By age 30, it should seem like everything be all together. A great job, stable finances, a nice place to live, albeit some debt, but overall having life “together”. Instead, I’ve entered some deep state of depression slowly trying to gain these things and consistently failing over and over again. How is it that I spent my twenties working 60–80 hour weeks to attend a four year university, graduate and still keep finding and getting low paying jobs with crappy insurance? How is that at this point, I am not on my way to owning a home?
What is it that I am doing wrong? I see and praise the success of others around me, and yet I fail to see much difference between myself that other person. Although I try not to compare myself to others, I can’t help but think, where did I go wrong here? How is that I work so hard and have achieved so little? I know for a fact that some of these people I see don’t have the education, work ethic or any of the credentials I do. What is that I am missing that would allow me to achieve these things? This alone has kept me up numerous nights and as I lay there restless and trying to conjure up ways to improve myself, I find that no matter what I try, I keep failing and I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because I settle, or have taken jobs out of desperation. Maybe it’s because my personality sucks, and I am “not the right candidate” for the position. I could write a novel on the amount of times I’ve heard that alone.
Success is defined differently for everyone, but for me and what I am looking to achieve, it seems almost impossible. I feel like giving up and being like “this is my life now, better get used to mediocrity”. Being mediocre goes against every fiber of my being. I put so much effort into everything I do, whether it be work, relationship or even something as simple as making a meal. It doesn’t compute as to why I haven’t been able to move forward.
Sure, I’ve gotten slightly better jobs, moved on to different things, but it’s never a large enough difference to make a dent in what the end goal is. So here I am, 30, broke, living in an apartment that’s barely affordable and working my ass off at some corporate hell hole for a barely livable salary. I have experience, I have a degree, I have excelled in every position I’ve held. So why all the rejection? Why is it that every time I reach for something better, I fall flat on my face? I can’t seem to find the answers to my questions.
Applying for jobs bites. It’s tedious, it’s daunting and it’s full of rejection. I’ve re worked my resume more times than I could count, I’ve tailored cover letters to positions, I’ve been diligent in following up on any leads I’ve received. There have been so many times where I get things like “overnight janitorial staff” and it’s like a slap in the face. Here I am having put myself through a fairly prestigious university, graduated, have plenty of work experience and yet apparently I’m only good enough to scrub toilets in the wee hours of the night. Awesome.
I wish I had the missing pieces to my puzzle. If it was simply a lack of effort, I could just try harder. If it was just working on a resume, I could do that. If it were looking at all aspects that fit my work experience, sure. I’ve been there, done that. I want to know what these selection processes are based off of. I want to know what it is I am doing WRONG.
All I want to do is achieve my goals of having a stable living situation where I can own a home, eventually get married and continuously climb higher in my career. Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? Instead, I’ve only had dead end starter jobs where you’re left with an enormous amount of work and nothing to show for it. Not to mention that the insurance plans that these places offer cost so much money, it’s like you’re working for your insurance. Add in the fact that most of them cover little to nothing and you’ve got a recipe for feeling like a freshly lit dumpster fire on a daily basis. So quit, right? Keep looking. Keep searching, keep re writing. Sure. But for how long? Until forever? Until I get so sick of where I currently am that I just fall into the same desperate pattern of taking anything I can just to get out it?
It’s a total crap shoot every time. Shady companies with shady practices. What may seem like a great opportunity often doesn’t reveal itself in enough time to see what lies in the shadows. Between three and six months, these things begin to unfold. Lazy, disorganized co workers. Insurance premiums so astronomical, you’re wondering how on earth you could possibly keep working here. Unwritten rules you’re just expected to know and follow. The amount of toxic workplaces I’ve both been a part of and have heard of is just ridiculous.
It seems like most companies want peons for peanuts. What a drop in the bucket is for a company is life support for the average worker. And everyone is replaceable. Think you’re not? Think again. Think no one can do your job? You’re wrong. There will always be someone smarter, younger and more eager than you. Discouraging, isn’t it?
So what’s keeping you going? The current black hole position you’re in certainly isn’t allowing you to climb out any time soon. It’s a round robin of work and nothing, because you’re too damn broke to do anything even relatively fun. Ever wonder why there’s that one friend who just doesn’t want to come out? It’s not because they don’t want to. It’s because they can’t. It feels embarrassing. It feels like failure-and let me tell you, failure reeks.
So if you made it through this long as winded rant that seemingly has no conclusion, I commend you. For real- this probably is poorly written to begin with! However, I just hope that in some aspect, it makes others who feel like I do know they aren’t alone. I certainly feel that way sometimes. I try to look through the facade of social media, the endless stream of engagements and promotions and focus on myself and what I need to do to get what I want.
My question is when will this happen? How long must I endure this? I’ve done my due diligence. I have run out of ideas. I’ve hit a crumbling brick wall with no way out. However, I still keep that glimmer of hope in me. Even though it’s buried deep down, I will never just give up, even though I desperately want to at times. I want to make my life happen. I want to succeed.