The start of the week. Day One. The countdown begins. Anyone else count down the days of the week until they can have a taste of freedom? I don’t even really get a chance to catch a break. Maybe I should work on managing my time better, but I am so exhausted after work I just don’t care.
Every day I push myself. I push myself to wake up at 5AM and do my workouts five days a week. I push myself to be better at work. I push myself to do more when I come home. I try and make things easier by accomplishing more during the week, but as with everything something has to give.
I am either less productive at work because I am physically and mentally exhausted or I am irritable when I come home because of work making me mentally tired and exhausted. Either way, it seems I cannot get into a groove that allows for me to accomplish what’s needed without feeling an insane amount of stress and pressure.
I’ve tried rearranging things. I moved my PM workouts to AM so I have more time after work. It is certainly nice to come home, just make dinner and relax, knowing I got my activity in for the day. I tried moving my food shopping around to evening hours, but I am not really a fan of it. I don’t like unpacking in the dark and having less of a selection. Anyway.
I am out of ideas on what to do to make my week more enjoyable. I dread coming to the office. I despise sitting here withering away for a few dimes on the hour. This all ties into my last post, but I want to make more of a valiant effort to ensure my time is being used wisely.
If there is anything I’ve realized over time it is that, you have to do what is right for you. Stop worrying about your job’s well being and start thinking about yourself. However, there is a catch to this. It has to be under the table. You can’t be that person that takes off just because and is lackadaisical about everything. You have to give off the impression that you care and want to be there.
Let me tell you, I care about nothing. I care about making money and making a life for myself. I could care less what company does what. Does it pay? Does it give me medical benefits? Are they fair? Those are the requirements. If the position meets the criteria, I will always do my best.
Sometimes I really have to stop and reflect though. Even though I say I don’t care, I really do. That’s the internal struggle I have. I always care too much. I can’t take my own advice and just worry about myself. I “what if” myself do death and go to worse case scenario.
I have found that writing these things down and reflecting later on what I have written makes me think about what I can do to improve. Many times I look back and I’m like “wow I overreacted way too much.”
“It’s great to have passion, but it’s all about where and how you direct it.”
I rather spend my time writing these convoluted angry articles! I don’t want to just “do my job” I am tired of being a robotic slave to the grind, forever counting days instead of looking forward with what’s to come.
I need more positivity in my life. Most people who have seen me would think I am. In some regards I can be, but in reality I lean more towards being self-deprecating and find happiness in dark humor. It all stems from me loathing everything around me and struggling to make a change.
While I don’t necessarily regret anything, I wish I were able to conjure up whatever magic formula makes life more manageable. I feel that I have improved but have a long road ahead of me. It’s like having a destination in mind without having any directions on how to get there. I have to create my own directions, my own path and my own journey.
Now that I am starting to sound like every Etsy obsessed millennial who preaches about self-care and crystals, let me rethink that a little.
**( I like all of those things, but I hate how the market has become so saturated with pseudo goths pretending they like all of that when it’s really just to appear dark and edgy on Instagram. Please.)***
I am angry. I think I just was born pissed off. Nothing makes me happy. Maybe my dog, but really. I have such a disdain for so many things. I am too young to be so jaded. I get enjoyment out of very few things, most of which involve just me being alone. Sometimes I wish I lived alone, but most of the time I am happy to have someone else around who understands how I really am.
Today isn’t going to go by any faster. I’m sure I’ll have to stay late. I don’t want to. I want to wallow in self-pity and read a book while sipping on my favorite tea (Earl Grey) I want to go home, pet my dog and enjoy my day.
That’s why I work. So I can do that. Is that really the answer though? It remains to be seen. Day One partially over, Four More to go. One day, I won’t count the days, hours or minutes, but I’ll wake up refreshed and ready to enjoy my time. I wonder when that will be. I wonder how I’ll get there. Here’s to trying.
